Button Mash was wearing a Sonic the Hedgehog hat underneath his propeller beanie hat.
"I don't play Sonic games on the Sonic Mega Collection Plus. I play them on their original SEGA consoles," he said, and he took a sip from a white coffee travel container with the Nintendo logo on it.
HIPSTER SONIC! HIPSTER-HIPSTER SONIC!
He's gonna play some games from past
And also recent games while they last
As Button sat playing as Sonic in Super Smash Bros. Wii U, Sweetie Belle sang while standing behind him.
He'd rather have. . .
A Changeling Drone. . .
Spit a glob of green slime in his ear!
In the middle of a play-through of Sonic Boom, the Wii U gamepad fell from Button's hooves as he stood staring at the screen in a near comatose state.
He'd rather drink. . .
A freezing milkshake. . .
And get the worst brain freeze of the year!
Button placed his Bowser Skylander on the portal and roared as Bowser appeared in the game.
He's the most awesome gamer you'll ever behold
He's the awesome Nintendo Colt
Bowser walked in carrying his SEGA Genesis and SEGA Game Gear.
He's the Microsoft, Sony, SEGA Colt
He's The Awesome Video Game Colt!
Button threw is controller down and shook his hoof at the TV screen.
Episode 11: Sonic Labyrinth on the SEGA Game Gear
"Today, we're gonna go back into the past, to the time of 8-Bit handheld gaming consoles, for a Sonic the Hedgehog SEGA Game Gear game called Sonic Labyrinth."
Button held up the game cartridge and looked at it curiously.
This game received a mostly negative reaction from critics, panned as one of the worst, if not the worst Sonic the Hedgehog game of all time. But I'm sure that's just an exaggeration. This is a classic game! Way before the Sonic 06's and Sonic Booms. Way before the laziness and corporate tie-ins. So how bad could it be?"
Button shrugged, but the cartridge into his SEGA Game Gear, and said, "Well. . . let's play it and see."
Button turned on the game, and the title screen appeared, showing Sonic rolling around paths and through doors. Then the menu screen came on, showing the options: Normal Game, Time Attack, and Config.
"Okay, so, Normal Game," Button said as he selected the option.
Then the level title card appeared, and he read it aloud, "Labyrinth of the Sky, Zone 1-1, Good Luck- oh, thank you. . . . and here we go!"
Sonic walked out of the START gate onto a flat looking area.
"Okay, so it looks like they made a 3D looking world. Pretty ambitious for the time," Button said, sounding impressed, "Okay then, let's go, Sonic!"
Button used the directional pad to move Sonic, and noticed that the normally speedy blue hedgehog was walking . . . very . . . slowly. . .
"Come on, Sonic. . . ." Button said impatiently, "Come on, Sonic!"
After walking around really slowly for a bit, Button shook the Game Gear and shouted, "What's going on?! Why is he going so slow!? Is my copy of the game broken or something!?"
Button looked at the Game Gear's meager controls and said, "Maybe it's like the Mario games, and you need to hold a button to make him run."
The only other buttons the Game Gear had were the 1 and 2 buttons. Button held the 1button, and Sonic revved up his famous Spin Dash.
"Okay, so the 1 button is for the Spin Dash," Button said. He let the button go, and Sonic went spinning wildly around the stage. "Oh man, I can't control him!" Button shouted as he mashed the directional pad until Sonic ground to a halt.
"Okay, so I guess 2 is the run button, right?" Button said. He held the 2 button, and Sonic revved up his Spin Dash again.
"WHAT!?" Button shouted, "The 1 and 2 buttons do the exact same denkalithing thing!? How stupid were these programmers? Were they like: 'Duh, we only have three buttons on this thing, so lets waste one of them by making two of them do the exact same thing!' Those stupid orc-holes!"
Button paused the game and put the Game Gear down calmly and said in an even tone, "So. . . let me get this straight. . . we got a game from the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise, a series starring a character who goes fast and attacks by jumping. . . where you can't go fast . . . or jump for that matter-WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!"
Button pressed his fore-hooves against the sides of his head and shouted, "I mean, it makes no sense! Imagine making a Mareo game where you can't jump or break blocks. Or a Mega Mare game where you can't shoot. Or a Kirby game where you can't inhale enemies. What's the point? Even Pac-Man and the Ghostly Adventures still kept Pac-Man's basic ability to eat things."
Button picked the the instruction manual that game with them game and said, "What exactly is the story of this game anyway?"
Button opened up the book and read a bit. Button let out a breath of disappointment and turned away in disbelief. Then he said, "Okay, get a load of this. Dr. Robotnik made these shoes that look just like Sonic's shoes that slow him down and keep him from jumping. He switched Sonic's shoes with the fake ones, and Sonic puts them on. the only way Sonic can take them off is if he gets all seven Chaos Emeralds, which Robotnik has placed in a giant labyrinth he built."
Button dropped the manual and said, "Okay, first of all, if Robotnik has already found all the Chaos Emeralds, why doesn't he just use them all to make a super robot and attack Sonic directly!? Why did he hide them in this crazy labyrinth? Sure, then we wouldn't have a game, but not having this game would be a good thing, because who the hay would wanna play a Sonic game where Sonic can't run fast!?"
Button picked the game back up and resumed. "But okay, let's just go with it. Maybe controlling Sonic using only the Spin Dash can work in 3D point of view on a generally flat world."
Button moved Sonic around a bit by walking, and then aimed a Spin Dash across the stage.
"So, what we got here? Flat world. Conveyor belts. Ice. A robot enemy. A key?"
Button had Sonic grab the key, and it appeared on the top of the screen next to tow other black spaces.
"Okay, so I guess I have to look for three keys in order to get through the level," Button said, "That's not too bad, I guess. It's clever and has possibilities. I could get on aboard with this. . . if the controls weren't so annoying!"
Button sent Sonic ricocheting around the area as he tried to Spin Dash Sonic in the right direction. "You can charge up the Spin Dash and control the direction, but then you just end up going too fast and either going past where you wanted to go, or just end up bouncing off a wall and ending up back where you started. And to make matter worse, there's a time limit! Collecting the keys gives you a bit more time, but it's still really annoying to have to worry about the time as you're bouncing around like crazy!"
Button moved Sonic onto a spring, which sent him to a separate area of the level.
"Maybe I should just not charge the Spin Dash as much," Button remarked.
Sonic rolled forward a bit slower, and lost momentum in the path of a robot.
"Oh no, oh no! Look out! Look out!" Button said as he panicked and fumbled with the controls. He didn't move in time, and the Button hit Sonic, causing him to drop the key, which went flying away from him.
"Denkalith! Oh, Celestia!" Button whined.
As Button navigated around the conveyor belts to find the keys, he remarked, "Ya know, I just realized something else. There aren't any rings in this game? Do the keys take the place as rings? Do you die instantly if you get hit without any keys? How does this game even work!?"
Button sighed, "Well, as you can see, the game is pretty straightforwrd. Collect the keys, get to the GOAL gate. Of course as the game goes along, you'll have to get through even more obstacles, like pits, enemies, conveyor belts, and other hazards. But you know what else stinks about this game? The art design. Yeah, forget the all the plants and backgrounds of Green Hill Zone, the ancient ruins of Sky Sanctuary, or the bright city lights of Casino Night Zone. Just have a bunch of checkerboard platforms with a solid color in the background. Yeah, that's just genius art direction!"
"Well, what about the boss battles?" Button asked.
Sonic walked out a gate and began rolling down a steep ramp with rings on it.
"Oh, so now they decide to put rings in the game? Just for the boss fights?" Button said.
"Well, after the ring collecting mini-game, which sometimes has glass panels and spiked panels you have to dodge, you fall down a tube and into the boss arena. And boy do the bosses stink! All you do is Spin Dash into them while they throw stuff at you. And the worst boss has to be the boss of the Factory labyrinth. He's just a rectangle with spikes on the front! All you gotta do is walk behind him and Spin Dash into his back over and over! He doesn't even turn around!"
"But you know, I've gotta say, when they call these levels labyrinths, they aren't joking, at least for the later levels! They take forever to get through! And even if you manage to find the GOAL gate, you can't leave unless you find the three keys. Sometimes enemies have them, sometimes they're tucked away in a dead end you wouldn't think to got, it's a nightmare!"
"In the second Factory level, you have to stand on these tiny moving platforms and use these teleporters to move around this huge floating maze where falling causing you to land in a pit of lava with spike in it! Isn't the lava enough? Did they have to put spikes in the lava too?"
"The third Castle level is even worse with all these doors that send you all over the place to the point you feel like you're in a Ghost House from Super Mareo World. I hate games that put you in a position like that."
Button furrowed his brow and said in an enraged tone, "And what makes it all even worse, is that after you've finally gotten to the end, after the easiest Dr. Robotnik final boss battle ever, you get this."
A message appeared over Sonic moving along a corridor saying, "CONGRATULATIONS! ALL ZONES CLEAR!! BUT IT IS NOT PERFECT!"
"Oh, let me guess, I didn't get all the Chaos Emeralds, right?" Button said bitterly, "I know I only got four, oh wait, five actually, Robotnik drops the fifth one in the ending cut-scene, but how was I supposed to know they're was only gonna be four worlds in this game?"
"Well, to the games credit, there is a clue in the end credits that tells you that you need to go to Zone 2-3 and do something with the right key and the 1 and 2 buttons."
Button nodded, "And well, yeah, I did see a locked BONUS gate in that level, but I had no idea how to open it! I tried everything! I even ran out of time! Twice!"
Button played to the level in question and said, "Well guess what? I did some research and I found how to get it open. It turns out that 'right key' doesn't mean one of the actual keys you pick up in the stage. Oh no, that's not cryptic enough. It means 'hold the directional pad to the right' along with the 1 and 2 buttons for a few seconds while inside a cannon and it will fire you to a secret platform with a switch that opens the gate."
Button looked at the game in utter shock. "HOW WOULD ANYPONY KNOW TO DO THAT!? Not only do they give you a misleading clue that's actually talking about something else you would never think of in a thousand years, but they make you feel like an idiot for not figuring it out by blatantly showing you the BONUS gate as if to say, 'Ha-ha! You're too stupid to get in!'"
"So then you beat the game alllll over again, Sonic has all six Chaos Emeralds, yeah, this was back when there were only six of them, and he runs off into his Good Ending, and you get a level select cheat code as a rewards. Not that I'll be needing it, because I'm never playing this game again!"
Button took out the game cartridge and said, "Who would want to play game where Sonic moves slower than a slime for Torchlight II? Unless he's Spin Dashing, of course. Then he's more out of control than an Orc Berserker running on Propulsion Gel while covered with Repulsion Gel! It looks like even back then in the days of SEGA, the original classic Sonic the Hedgehog games were still the best, just as they are today! I'd much rather play a Sonic game on the SEGA Genesis then on the Wii U, if you know what I mean."
HIPSTER SONIC! HIPSTER-HIPSTER-!
"Oh, shut-up!"
